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真正的愛以及超越二元對立
– Kim Eng 與埃克哈特的對話
(以下KE代表Kim Eng, ET代表埃克哈特)
KE: 在我的旅行中，最常被問到的問題之一是“與一個開悟的人交往是怎樣的？”為什麼會問這個問題？也許他們有關於一個完美的關係的概念或是想像，也許他們想知道更多與它相關的事。也許他們的頭腦想要將自己投射到未來的某一刻，那時他們也有了一份完美關係，並且通過這個關係找到了他們自己。
與一個開悟的人交往是怎樣的？只要我頭腦中有這樣的念頭：“我有一個親密關係”或是“我正身處一個關係之中”，無論是和誰，我都會痛苦。這就是我所學到的。
隨著“關係”這個概念而來的是期待、關於過去的關係的記憶，以及一堆關於“一個關係應該怎樣”的概念，而這些概念受限於個人或是文化的頭腦。然後我會努力使現實符合這些概念。而它從未符合。然後我再一次感到痛苦。事實是：根本沒有關係(relationship)這回事。有的只是當下這一刻，而在這一刻中，存在的只有關聯(relating)。
我們相處得如何，或者說我們愛得如何，取決於我們將想法、概念、期待清空得如何。
最近，我請埃克哈特談談關於自我對“愛的關係”的尋求。我們的談話很快就觸及到了人類存在的最深的一些層面。
以下就是他所說的：
ET: 通常人們所謂的“愛”是一種自我用來逃避臣服的策略。你希望某個人帶給你某種感覺，但這種感覺只有當你在臣服的狀態中才能來到你身上。自我利用這個人作為逃避不得不臣服的替代品。西班牙語在這個方面是最誠實的。它用同一個動詞te quiero來代表“我愛你”和“我要你”。對自我來說，愛和需要是一回事，然而真正的愛裡沒有需要，沒有佔有的慾望，沒有要你的伴侶改變的期待。自我挑選出某個人並使他們變得特別。它利用這個人來掩蓋心底持續不斷的不滿足感，“不夠”的感覺，憤怒和憎恨的感覺，這些感覺都是互相緊密關聯的。這些感覺是一種潛藏在人類深處的感受的不同面向，而這感受與自我的狀態密不可分。
當自我挑選出某個東西，並說“我愛”這個或那個，這是一種無意識的企圖，它想要掩蓋或去除那內心深處總是與自我如影隨形的感受：那種人人都很熟悉的不滿足、不快樂、不豐盛的感受。在短時間內，這幻象確實有效。然後，無可避免地，到某個點的時候，這個你挑選出來的人，或者你眼中的特別的人，不再能夠掩蓋你的痛苦、怨恨、不滿或不悅，這些感受都源自於那個匱乏和不完整的感覺。然後，那個一直被掩蓋的感受跑了出來，被投射到這個被挑選出來的特別的人身上 – 這個你以為可以徹底“拯救你”的人。突然，愛變成了恨。自我沒有意識到這個憎恨實際上是你內在感受到的全宇宙的痛苦的一個投射。自我認為是這個人造成了這個痛苦。它沒有意識到這個痛苦是屬於全宇宙的，你感受不到與你自身存在的深處連接的痛苦 – 無法與你自己合一的痛苦。
愛的對象是可以更換的，正如自我渴望的對象可以不斷更換一樣。有的人經歷很多不同的關係。他們不斷地墜入情網，又分手。他們愛上一個人，直到這不再奏效為止，因為沒有任何人可以永久地掩蓋那個痛苦。
只有臣服才能給你那個你一直在你所愛的對象身上尋找的東西。自我說不必臣服，因為我愛這個人。這顯然是一個無意識的過程。在你完全接納當下如是的那一刻，你的內在的某個東西顯露出來，它過去一直被自我的慾望所掩蓋著。這是一種與生俱來的，內在的安詳，寂靜，和生命力。它是那不受限的，你的本性。它是你在愛的對象裡一直尋找的。它就是你自己。當這情形發生時，一種完全不同的愛出現了，它不再取決於愛 / 恨。它不再挑選出一件特別的事或是一個特別的人。我們甚至用同一個字“愛”來稱呼它，這有些荒唐可笑。現在，即使在通常所說的愛/恨的關係中，它也可能偶爾發生，你進入了臣服的狀態。臨時地、短暫地，它發生了：你經驗到一種更深的宇宙的愛，和一種全然的接納，即使是在自我的關係中，它有時也會閃耀出來。然而，如果臣服沒有保持住，它會再一次被舊有的自我模式所掩蓋。因此，我並不是說那個更深的真正的愛在通常的愛/恨關係中不會偶爾出現。但是它很少見，而且常常是短暫的。
無論何時，當你接納當下所是，會有個比當下所是更深的東西顯露出來。所以，你可能陷在最痛苦的困境中，外在或內在，那最痛苦的感受或是情境裡，而一旦你接納了當下所是，你就超越了它，你戰勝了它。那痛苦可能還在那兒，但是，突然，你來到了一個更深的地方，在那裡，它變得不再那麼重要了。這整個非凡的宇宙之所以存在，是因為相對立兩者之間的矛盾。冷和熱、增長和衰退、獲得與失去、成功與失敗，這兩極性是存在的一部分，當然也就是每段關係中的一部分。
KE: 那麼是不是說，我們永遠無法消除兩極對立？
ET: 在外在形式的層面，我們無法消除兩極對立。然而，你可以通過臣服超越兩極。這樣你就連接上了你的內在深處，在那裡，一如既往地，不再存在對立。它們持續地存在於外在的層面。然而，即使是在外在，當你身處接納或臣服的狀態時，你生命之中的兩極性的顯化的方式也開始發生了某些變化。它顯化的方式變得更加友善和溫柔。
你越是無意識，你就越是與形式認同。無意識的本質就是：認同於形式，無論是外在的形式（一個情境、一個地方、一件事或是一個經歷），還是一個想法或者一種情緒。你越是固著於形式，你就越不臣服，而你所經歷到的兩極對立就會變得越極端，越暴力，越嚴酷。在這個星球上，有些人過著幾乎地獄般的生活，同樣是在這裡，另一些人卻過著相對寧靜的生活。那些內在安詳的人仍舊會經驗到兩極，但卻是以更溫和的方式，而不是像許多人經歷的那種極端的方式。所以，我們經歷兩極對立的方式確實會改變。兩極對立本身無法被消除，但可以說，整個宇宙正在變得更加仁慈友善。它不再那麼具有傷害性。這世界不再被看作是像自我以為的那樣充滿敵意。
KE: 如果覺醒，或是在覺醒的狀態中生活，並不會改變事物的本來秩序，不會改變二元對立，不會改變相對立二者之間的矛盾，那在覺醒的狀態生活會帶來什麼呢？它會影響這個世界嗎？還是僅僅影響一個人在這個世界的主觀體驗？
ET: 當你在臣服中生活，一些不屬於這個世界的東西通過你進入了這個二元世界。
KE: 它真的會改變外在的世界嗎？
ET: 內在與外在終究是一。當你不再將世界看做是充滿敵意的，就再也沒有恐懼，當恐懼消失，你思考、說話、行動的方式會變得不同。愛和慈悲升起了，它們會影響這世界。即使當你發現自己身處一個衝突的情境中，也會有一股寧靜流入這兩極對立。於是，有些東西改變了。有一些老師或者是教導會說，沒有什麼會改變。不是這樣的。有某些非常重要的東西會改變。那個超越形式的經由形式閃耀著，那個永恆之光經由形式照射進這個有形世界。
KE: 是否可以說，是你的針對某事的“習性反應”的缺少，是你對於這世界兩極對立的接納，給這些矛盾顯化的方式帶來了一些改變？
ET: 是的。對立依舊會發生，但你不再給予它們養料。你剛才所說的是很重要的一點：“缺少習性反應”指的是兩極對立不再被餵養。這意味著，你經常經驗到兩極對立的土崩瓦解，比如在一個衝突的情境裡。再沒有任何人，任何情境被製造成一個“敵人”。
KE: 所以，兩極對立變得被削弱了，而不是被加強。也許這就是它們開始消融的方式。
ET: 是的。以這樣的方式生活是終結這二元對立的世界的開端。
Kim Answers: True Love and the Transcendence of Duality
A dialogue between Kim Eng and Eckhart Tolle
During my travels, one of the most frequently asked question is “What is it like to be in relationship with an enlightened being?” Why this question? Perhaps they have the idea or image of an ideal relationship, and want to know more about it. Perhaps their mind wants to project itself to a future time when they, too, will be in an ideal relationship and find themselves through it.
What is it like to be in relationship with an enlightened being? As long as I have the idea in my head “I have a relationship” or “I am in a relationship,” no matter with whom, I suffer. This I have learnt.
With the concept of “relationship” come expectations, memories of past relationships, and further personally and culturally conditioned mental concepts of what a “relationship” should be like. Then I would try to make reality conform to these concepts. And it never does. And again I suffer. The fact of the matter is: there are no relationships. There is only the present moment, and in the moment there is only relating.
How we relate, or rather how well we love, depends on how empty we are of ideas, concepts, expectations.
Recently, I asked Eckhart to say a few words on the ego’s search for “love relationships.” Our conversation quickly went deeper to touch upon some of the most profound aspects of human existence.
Here’s what he said:
ET: What is conventionally called “love” is an ego strategy to avoid surrender. You are looking to someone to give you that which can only come to you in the state of surrender. The ego uses that person as a substitute to avoid having to surrender. The Spanish language is the most honest in this respect. It uses the same verb, te quiero, for “I love you” and “I want you.” To the ego, loving and wanting are the same, whereas true love has no wanting in it, no desire to possess or for your partner to change. The ego singles someone out and makes them special. It uses that person to cover up the constant underlying feeling of discontent, of “not enough,” of anger and hate, which are closely related These are facets of an underlying deep seated feeling in human beings that is inseparable from the egoic state.
When the ego singles something out and says “I love” this or that, it’s an unconscious attempt to cover up or remove the deep-seated feelings that always accompany the ego: the discontent, the unhappiness, the sense of insufficiency that is so familiar. For a little while, the illusion actually works. Then inevitably, at some point, the person you singled out, or made special in your eyes, fails to function as a cover up for your pain, hate, discontent or unhappiness which all have their origin in that sense of insufficiency and incompleteness. Then, out comes the feeling that was covered up, and it gets projected onto the person that had been singled out and made special – who you thought would ultimately “save you.” Suddenly love turns to hate. The ego doesn’t realize that the hatred is a projection of the universal pain that you feel inside. The ego believes that this person is causing the pain. It doesn’t realize that the pain is the universal feeling of not being connected with the deeper level of your being – not being at one with yourself.
The object of love is interchangeable, as interchangeable as the object of egoic wanting. Some people go through many relationships. They fall in love and out of love many times. They love a person for a while until it doesn’t work anymore, because no person can permanently cover up that pain.
Only surrender can give you what you were looking for in the object of your love. The ego says surrender is not necessary because I love this person. It’s an unconscious process of course. The moment you accept completely what is, something inside you emerges that had been covered up by egoic wanting. It is an innate, indwelling peace, stillness, aliveness. It is the unconditioned, who you are in your essence. It is what you had been looking for in the love object. It is yourself. When that happens, a completely different kind of love is present which is not subject to love / hate. It doesn’t single out one thing or person as special. It’s absurd to even use the same word for it. Now it can happen that even in a normal love / hate relationship, occasionally, you enter the state of surrender. Temporarily, briefly, it happens: you experience a deeper universal
love and a complete acceptance that can sometimes shine through, even in an otherwise egoic relationship. If surrender is not sustained, however, it gets covered up again with the old egoic patterns. So, I’m not saying that the deeper, true love cannot be present occasionally, even in a normal love / hate relationship. But it is rare and usually short-lived.
Whenever you accept what is, something deeper emerges then what is. So, you can be trapped in the most painful dilemma, external or internal, the most painful feelings or situation, and the moment you accept what is, you go beyond it, you transcend it. Even if you feel hatred, the moment you accept that this is what you feel, you transcend it. It may still be there, but suddenly you are at a deeper place where it doesn’t matter that much anymore. The entire phenomenal universe exists because of the tension between the opposites. Hot and cold, growth and decay, gain and loss, success and failure, the polarities that are part of existence, and of course part of every relationship.
KE: Then it’s correct to say, we can never get rid of the polarities?
ET: We cannot get rid of polarities on the level of form. However, you can transcend the polarities through surrender. You are then in touch with a deeper place within yourself where, as it were, the polarities no longer exist. They continue to exist on the outer level. However, even there, something changes in the way in which the polarities manifest in your life when you are in a state of acceptance or surrender. The polarities manifest in a more benign and gentle way.
The more unconscious you are, the more you are identified with form. The essence of unconsciousness is this: identification with form, whether it is an external form (a situation, place, event or experience), a thought form or an emotion. The more attached to form, the more unsurrendered you are, and the more extreme, violent or harsh your experience of the polarities becomes. There are people on this planet who live virtually in hell and on the same planet there are others who live a relatively peaceful life. The ones who are at peace inside will still experience the polarities, but in a much more benign way, not the extreme way in which many humans still experience them. So, the way in which the polarities are experienced does change. The polarities themselves cannot be removed, but one could say, the whole universe becomes somewhat more benevolent. It’s no longer so threatening. The world is no longer perceived as hostile, which is how the ego perceives it.
KE: If awakening or living a life in an awakened state does not change the natural order of things, duality, the tension between the opposites, what does living a life in the awakened state do? Does it affect the world, or only one’s subjective experience of the world?
ET: When you live in surrender, something comes through you into the world of duality that is not of this world.
KE: Does that actually change the outer world?
ET: Internal and external are ultimately one. When you no longer perceive the world as hostile, there is no more fear, and when there is no more fear, you think, speak and act differently. Love and compassion arise, and they affect the world. Even if you find yourself in a conflict situation, there is an outflow of peace into the polarities. So then, something does change. There are some teachers or teachings that say, nothing changes. That is not the case. Something very important does change. That which is beyond form shines through the form, the eternal shines through the form into this world of form.
KE: Is it right to say that it is your lack of “reaction against,” your acceptance of the opposites of this world, that brings about changes in the way the opposites manifest?
ET: Yes. The opposites continue to happen, but they are not fueled by you anymore. What you said is a very important point: the “lack of reaction” means that the polarities are not fueled. This means, you often experience a collapse of the polarities, such as in conflict situations. No person, no situation is made into an “enemy.”
KE: So, the opposites, instead of becoming strengthened, become weakened. And perhaps this is how they begin to dissolve.
ET: That’s right. Living in that way is the beginning of the end of the world.
